Stress!

So, I changed up my blog design and added a few gadgets, and a new post.

Looks better, but it can be better. Man, I'm too much of a perfectionist and worrywart. Even though I have like 4 exams this week, I'm not that as fazed...or am I? So yeah, just a short post to update the blog. Anyway, going to study and stay up a bit more. I shall come back soon...

C ya.

Am i a reader?

nope, i'm more of a visual reader/learner, but i do like being surrounded by books.

So the past two weeks, i visited 4 different public libraries and 2 dif Half Price book stores. Weird isn't it? You would not hear someone saying they went to different libraries in one day then go to another one the next day without a legitimate reason. And i'm sure mines isn't really justifiable.

What made me go to a different library tho was becuz the local branch i go to is still 'under renovation.' I like the library atmosphere, it makes me focus a lot more than at home and school. idk, maybe cuz i used to always go there once a week. It just felt weird not being there anymore after going there after so many times. So i just randomly went on a library spree and bought a few books here and there, including Half Price Book Store. However, i don't really read much of the books that i check out (my feet likes to go towards the DVD section instead :P). I go there mostly for the studious atmosphere and check out reference books when needed.

One other reason that i went on that spree was that i wanted to go somewhere new but not too different. Idk if it makes sense, but I like going to new places that still consists of an atmosphere that i'm familiar with. It lightens up my mood but makes me feel safe & confident that i know what's going on around me. So, in a way, it didn't had to be a library but since i haven't gone there in a while, it just came to mind like that.

So yeah..looks like i have a lot to read now that i bought and borrowed some new books. Hopefully i have another break that will make me read them. I can't really read in one setting w/o the right mood and atmosphere (much like reading a textbook). If not anytime soon...oh well, they look great on my shelf. :D

I introduce to you...

my little sister. A.k.a. my roommate.

She's a stubborn rebel who is taller and 4 years younger than me. She sleeps in the same room with me, and let me just say, we don't really have a sisterly kind of bond at all. The least i can say is that she's still a good person and follows most of our house rules.

Before college my parents, esp my mom, would always remind me to be a good role model for my little sister. And, i followed what she said til we grew older and started getting into petty arguments. There were times when she would scratch me like a cat and/or kick me. T__T (i confess, i did [fake] cried a bit to make my parents lecture her for me only cuz they were louder and more effective than me).

One time i argued about her playing on her laptop for too long and prolonging her hw........ somehow it resulted in her laptop falling to the ground and my sister facing my mom's wrath. My mom's pretty materialistic btw. She's the type if there's even a scratch on the car she'll scream at you and punish you one way or another. Fortunately. that laptop still works to this day, but you can't exactly bring it everywhere with you anymore ahahaha. So you can see how dominant she was over me in terms of stubbornness and strength. (i'm telling yall, something she ate as a toddler must've turn her into a hulk)

However, after my sister entered high school, she became more mature and i lectured her more effectively that wouldn't end with bruises and broken things (including myself). I realized i'm not always right and she's not always to blame, too. Mostly i think it's becuz she got spoiled (as such since she's the youngest) but now we both listen to each other's opinions and advice.

So even though we still argue, we're both more blatant, chill, and less violent. Recently, i've been giving her a lot of advice about how to survive in my old high school and it makes me happy when she listens to me.
One thing I remembered when she was born, i was so curious about how she looked like that i tried to climb up on my mother's bed to see her in her crib. I was pretty impatient (even now), but i gradually grew fond of her and did my best to make sure she had a great example to follow becuz my parents used to work almost every day for more than 10 hrs. Having her with me also makes me secure and lean on her since idk when my grandma who practically raised us will leave. *tears*

Anywho~~ i just wanted to write a random topic so i went for a personal story. Hope u guys enjoyed it. Bai

What's annoying to hear?

That our generation is the worst, spoiled, and reckless.

So recently i've been watching some academia videos on YouTube, and i browsed into one talking about generation gaps. He said it is not justifiable to generalize our whole generation for just a few people that you thought was 'bad.' Plus, not all of us have access to technology or the freedom to their right, which I TOTALLY AGREE WITH.

After watching the video, i looked at the comments and agreed how some of us are really spoiled, including myself. That may be due to bad parenting or being ignorant of things, but whatever the reason, EVERY generation has faced troubles. May not be the same ones, but we (and other generations) have experienced similar innate struggles across time.

True, we live in a more integrated world, but not everyone in one generation has the same luxury as some like me. My parents were fortunate enough to come here as immigrants and give a better life for me and my little sister. I am grateful for that, however, i don't like to hear that my generation has it 'easier.' Of course doing work is more efficient to do now, making things process faster; our previous generations made these technological innovations so we can live that life! Every generation before that generation have supported and helped make their future family live in a better world.

I admit, i do judge people on their appearance and first impression greetings, but people have done the same to me, too. I can't really blame them for judging and hating me if they already have the wrong idea about my character. Or maybe they just don't like my personality. Cool, that's fine. I don't care. Let's move on. But, I'm still working on trying to get away from first impressions because i want to approach new people. I get surprised by people's past experiences and hobbies that are different from what i expected. It's a great feeling to be able to socialize with friendly people. It's just the non-friendly or shy ones that i have trouble connecting with. Like i said, it's a work in progress for me.

Anyway, done ranting for today. Off to my drama~~

ADHD (maybe but not really?)

I get so distracted easily. Add memory loss to that and I will wander into Netherlands soon.

I don't know when it started but most likely it stemmed from not listening to my elders for a long time. Back then, i would always ignore whatever they said that i didn't like or was irrelevant to my life. Eventually, that spread to my school work and lectures too. One thing i do know is that my condition isn't that serious cuz i was able to get good grades by working hard. I'm no prodigy, but I had a really hard time trying to stay on topic. Even when i'm watching videos or reading stuff i like, i get so distracted that i start wondering about other things, such as, "Oh, this texture of the book/page is really smooth," or "This person looks old/hot/weird," or "Why did they even use this picture??!" Yeah, weird thoughts.

It's not like i don't purposefully pay attention to what people say (unless it's a teacher who is bad at teaching, but i'm not really one to blame). I'm just very slow at processing stuff, so it takes me a while to register the things that i'm not really as interested in my brain. I'm not consistent either, and u can tell from my grammar and the style i'm writing in right now. Ask one of my friends, and one of the things they'll say is that i do/say weird things too that may be excessively random or out of the box (good & bad).

I can't stay focused after reading a few sentences, but what's weird is that I love being surrounded by books. I always imagined having a huge shelf full of books (mostly mangas and novels :P) in my dream home. Before my local library went into renovation this past yr, i would always ask my mom to drive me there weekly. To be honest, i used to go there just to check out DVDs, esp. National Geographic ones (i was always intrigued by wild animals ^^). But, I liked being in that studious environment. It felt like I could gain a lot of knowledge if i just read a few pages of this and that of any subject. Oh, and another note: i'm not used to loud, flashing lights, and crowded areas. It gives me a headache really easily, esp things like karaoke or big parties. BUT, i try to save up as much energy as i can (by eating a lot and resting) beforehand so i can have as much fun as i can with my friends.

Anyway, i don't have a really serious case of ADHD, but i do have some symptoms of it that are 'treatable.' If you guys have any suggestions, comment below plzzz. For now, i'm just going to tame my brain and meditate. :D

~This is all self-diagnosis, so everything i say may or may not be true~

What do I do on a daily basis?

Playing or listening to some soft music, especially piano ones. 

It takes me to another world, one that I'm just strolling around the streets and looking at awesome scenery. I self-taught how to learn the piano during high school after learning how to play the violin for 4 years at school. I didn't take piano lessons, so I'm not really playing properly but I have learned some pieces (some of them I learned partly or leveled down). Whenever i'm feeling anything that's strong (happiness, love, or sadness), I play/listen to my heart's content. It calms me down lol. 

Most of the piano music i listen to is called "New Age." It's not exactly classical nor an OST of a show/movie. They're pretty modern and more straightforward in terms of the feelings you get from each one of them. For instance, the first one i ever memorized by hand was I Giorni by Ludovico Einaudi. It was introduced to me through a mutual interest friend, so i was interested since then. 

It's just something i like to do, a hobby. One thing on my checklist would be to get a horizontal piano (a grand will take up a lotttt of space, but it would be ideal too if i can afford it). For now, i have an electronic one so I can play around with the sounds, but I would like to have an authentic one :P

Either way, it's one of the lowest things on the list that i would get. It's a privilege to even play one, the time and the e-piano i have. So yeah, i'm glad i got into it. It lessens my stress and gives me peace at the same time. 

Well, I hope to get back to this blog soon with something more interesting. I havent had any ideas since my last one, so i just wrote this xD  I'll write a better one.... i hope. ~~

Sigh

​Feeling angst and anxious.

I'm so conscious of what people say to me. I have really low self-esteem and I've been working on it. But it's still pretty hard for me to confront people or look at myself confidently.
I would like to let people know what my thoughts are but I rarely do be'cuz I'm so scared and worried of what their reactions are or talking back at them that might lead to an argument. What's worse is that I don't get mad at others but at myself instead. U know how some people's stomachs churn upside down becuz of seeing or hearing something disgusting? For me, it's like that, but when I look back at what people or I said to me or others.
Idk how this low self-esteem started but maybe it's be'cuz my mom always criticized me of every thing I do and discouraged me on a lot of things when I was a child. She's like the head of the household. I have more freedom now but now it's starting to spread outside instead.

Now that I'm older, I face criticism from outside the house and I know that it's good for me but it still hurts even when I act like I'm good in front of my friends.

I'm Selfish

Am I selfish? Yes, I really am.

One moment I care for people then I go back to my own worries. It varies, but it's definitely not consistent. My concerns for others, that is. I have a nonchalant view about many things and I don't act upon them. For instance, and many people probably could relate to this, it's like sending your prayers for people who are sick/in need, but you don't really do anything about it and move on. Apply that on a personal level and that's what I do.

Idk, I thought I opened up more but I guess I've gotten too much to the point where I don't keep in mind what I say and do anymore. I act before I think a lot. I don't really reason my actions until they happen and then I start questioning myself why did I do that. Embarrassing or regretful, I always look back at it right before I sleep (not everyday). Probably what fuels my insomnia tho :/

The things I've done may not have been horrible, but sometimes I have an ignorant, "idgaf" attitude (in my head) towards the things I do. Do I seem horrible now? Maybe. But yeah, I don't really show it. It's part of the reason why I didn't made much friends back in secondary school.

I feel bad (sometimes) that I don't keep myself in check in the right places & times. U could say, I should watch what I say and do more carefully now (with a more caring attitude). It's not like how my parents lecture me and tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it right away. My actions will still continue but now I know I need to put in more effort for longer lasting and deeper relationships. Even though others forgave me, it still lingers. I don't easily forget what people say to me about things (the worst side of me) pertaining to me. I guess you could say the selfishness is more of a human phenomenon but in this case, I just wanted to write it out and let others know of this experience.
Will I ever learn? I hope so and I'm working on it, but I'm still a working progress as I am with my work life, too.

Well then, I think that's enough thinking for today. If u hav any questions or comments plz let me know. One thing I do know for sure is that I like to hear and give advice to people in general. It lets me see from their perspectives and to learn from each other.
K, good night.

I Like to Daydream, Do You?

As the title suggests, daydreaming is something that I do...everyday.

The most I dream about is not real though. For instance, I would literally just imagine myself as the sidekick girl with magic powers in this anime or movie. That, or i try to be the cupid or the girl with the handsome guy, etc. Nevertheless, it has become something i do every time before i sleep at least.

I'm not sure when it became a daily habit. Most likely becuz I always read picture books back in elementary school. My comprehension lvl was really bad....to the point where i actually failed my state's assessment reading test in 3rd grade. my mom had to 'bail me out?' lol, i'm not even sure but let's just say i was able to advance forward. *cough cough* Anyway, i got better later on, but i'm still bad at seeing behind the meaning of the words.

Out of all my friends, i probably have the most illogical, nonsensical working mind. I can not follow straightforward board game rules or teach something easy step by step. I can't even think straight. One time my friends and i were playing Telestration (adult version), which is a game similar to Pictionary but there are multiple rounds and every person gets to draw and guess a word every other turn. One of my friends, his word was "Girl on Girl," and apparently i didn't see the boobs on the top girl. So, i wrote "Man groping a woman or vice versa ;)" At that point, I knew i was not normal, as always (according to my friends).

So yeah, maybe my daydreaming habit has something to do with my weird way of thinking. I'm very detail-oriented about school and work, but i don't exactly think with a common sense outside those worlds. I always like to think of the alternative. Like, "What would happen if this was...," or "Are you sure?" etc.
Sometimes, i'm very paranoid about the little details. Or maybe i'm just drunk 24/7.

Alright, peace. Time for me to sleep. Zzzzzzz

Hell o!

Hello, my fellow mates!
First time I'm actually making a blog. I wanted a personal website for the public to see and so here I am. I won't write my secrets be'cuz this would've been a diary. Now, why would I publish that?
In this blog I will talk about my personal feelings, abstract stuff that I'm in the mood to talk about, and just random stuff that I did on that day. I won't update this on a daily basis. Ain't got no time for that. Got summer school and work man. Oh, and hanging out with my awesome friends ;)

Part of the other reason why I made a blog is be'cuz my friend also made one and she's in SK right now, studying abroad. #Goals #Dream And so, I wanted to try it out (and practice my writing skills).

I hope you guys enjoy this. Thanks for visiting!